Think of all the emotions you've ever experienced: anger, fear, disgust, happiness, surprise, shame, sadness, guilt, or blame. Can you name what you're feeing right now? Many depressed people can't.
Many years ago, our son and one of his friends, along with three other young men, were kidnapped by an escaped convict who had previously murdered three people. The five were held hostage for a couple of hours before the killer started shooting. Our son and his friend were both shot in the head, and two of the other young men were killed instantly.
If you had asked me what I was feeling as I drove to the hospital, I probably would have said, "worried." I was worried that our son might not live, or that he would be a paraplegic or severely brain-damaged for the rest of his life. I had already experienced forty years of depression, and although I had only a year earlier finally discovered the root of my depression, I hadn't yet learned to identify my feelings, so as I drove to the hospital, I didn't know that I was angry and scared. I had developed the habit of coping by becoming numb. I hadn't been able to cry for years, but soon I realized I needed to cry. The following day I asked my psychiatrist for an emergency appointment so she could help me to release my tears.
Both my son and his friend survived, but not without some nerve damage and some psychological damage.
Over the years since then, I've learned to identify my emotions and analyze them to see if they are helping me or hurting me.
When I took writing classes the teacher would point deficiencies in our stories, and it hurt to be told that the piece you'd worked so hard to create wasn't as wonderful as you thought. I saw there were two kinds of students: those who accepted criticism quietly and came back next time with improved versions of their stories, and those who became defensive, even angry, insisting that the teacher didn't understand! Occasionally, one of them would leave the class and never come back. It didn't take long for me to figure out who was handling emotions successfully.
I realized that if I wanted to become a good writer, I had to accept the feelings of embarrassment, even humiliation, of having my shortcomings pointed out. I learned to replace those feelings with ones of gratitude for the help I was receiving.
Interestingly, as my writing improved and I began to get published, my self-esteem rose, too.
Stephanie Kay Bendel is the author of EXIT THE LABYRINTH: A Memoir of Early Childhood Depression – Its Onset and Aftermath, MAKING CRIME PAY: A Practical Guide to Mystery Writing, and A SCREAM AWAY, a romantic thriller published under the house name, Andrea Harris. She has also written numerous short stories and articles on writing.