Depression and anxiety are often connected. Because depressed people think negatively, they regularly assume (or fear) the worst possible outcome, a process I call horribilizing, which raises their anxiety level. Now they're not only living with sadness, they're on edge, worrying and constantly anticipating problems. They can get caught in a cycle of ruminating, endlessly thinking about how bad they feel or what awful things might happen. All of this increases the activity of a part of the brain called the amygdala, which is designed to alert you to danger. The trouble is, when the danger isn't real, your body is experiencing unnecessary wear and tear, for depression and anxiety put your body under constant stress, inviting muscle tension, headaches, asthma and panic attacks as well as long-term damage. (More about this in another blog.) When you learn to monitor your thoughts, you become aware that you're making assumptions that aren't necessarily true and wasting time and energy preparing to deal with things that probably won't even happen.
One of the best ways to monitor your thinking is to write your thoughts down. Then examine each statement and ask yourself, "Is this factual or does this idea reflect my feelings?" Suppose you've written a statement like, "I really don't want to go to work today." That's a feeling. Now you have to examine why you feel that way. Perhaps your answer is, "My boss is never satisfied and always criticizes my work." See what's happening? You're attributing your feelings to someone else's behavior. Now you have to ask yourself how realistic that is. The first thing to do is question the words "never" and "always." They are often a sign that you're horribilizing. Are you exaggerating? Is every single thing you do
being criticized? Do you find it difficult to accept criticism? If, so, why? Is it realistic to believe that everything you do is perfect? Are some of the criticisms valid? If so, can you accept that? Are you responding more to your boss's choice of words or tone of voice that you are to what is being said?
Remember that some people are tactless--and that is not a reflection on you--and some people simply have an irritable personality--and that isn't a reflection on you, either. How does your boss speak to other people? How do others respond to him or her? Learning to analyze your thoughts forces you to rethink the way you're looking at the situation, and almost always there is more than one way to interpret events.
Here's an example: I once worked for a man who spoke in a loud, authoritative voice. I felt intimidated, as if I was being ordered around. After thinking about it, I realized he spoke to most people that way. Two exceptions I noticed were when he spoke to small children or to someone he was asking a favor from. Then I learned that he'd been in military and that his hearing had been damaged in combat--two things that affected the way he talked when he wasn't consciously aware that the tone of his voice affected the present situation. I decided that his manner of speaking had nothing to do with me, and my the tension level at work dropped considerably.
That insight continued to pay off, even for others. Years later, a friend complained to me, "My dog won't listen to me, even though he behaves perfectly for my wife!" This friend had a hearing loss and had a habit of speaking loudly. Because of my insight, I was able to point out that animals and children respond to loud voices with alarm, triggering the fight or flight response, and they generally react by avoiding you or becoming combative. My friend was surprised, having never thought of that. When he consciously lowered and gentled his voice, his dog and his son both responded positively!
Stephanie Kay Bendel is the author of EXIT THE LABYRINTH: A Memoir of Early Childhood Depression – Its Onset and Aftermath, MAKING CRIME PAY: A Practical Guide to Mystery Writing, and A SCREAM AWAY, a romantic thriller published under the house name, Andrea Harris. She has also written numerous short stories and articles on writing.