Last time I discussed some of the symptoms caused by depression. Now I want to talk about some of the causes of depression and the accompanying anxiety.
Fear of abandonment
It has been said that babies are born with two fears: fear of falling and fear of abandonment. Children who experience the loss of a parent through death or divorce or being placed into foster care will feel abandoned, which leads to questions: Am I not loveable enough? Will my present caretaker abandon me, too?
That fear can be completely unconscious. I know a couple who adopted a one month old baby boy. In the one month before they got him, his birth mother decided she couldn't care for him, his birth father, who was not living with the mother, took him, but soon realized he couldn't care for an infant, and the child was put into a foster home and adopted a couple of weeks later. Now most people think that a child that young won't remember those events, and they won't--not consciously. Now that little boy is six years old and has nightmares of his parents dying. He can't endure separation from them in order to go to school. He has no idea why he feels this way. He's receiving psychological counseling, but his anxiety is so strong that it will take a long time to overcome it. What happened to him in the first month of his life may haunt him into adulthood.
Adults who aren't aware that they fear of abandonment may sabotage a relationship rather than take the chance of being abandoned again, and they won't even be aware of the reason for their behavior. Then they wonder why they end up lonely and depressed.
Fear of being unloved
Sometimes people feel that their parents never really loved them, that somehow they were a disappointment. That assumption can lead to a lowering of self-esteem and self-confidence. In this case, it's important to understand that parents' expectations do not impose an obligation upon the child.
One of my college students suffered from anorexia. I learned that her parents were a doctor and a lawyer and she told me that they wanted her to become a doctor or a lawyer. (I had no way of knowing how realistic her belief was.) At that particular time, she was faced with having to declare a major. She really wanted to become a biologist, but was afraid she'd be letting her parents down, so she had starved herself to the point where she had to be hospitalized for a year. She saw her alternatives as disappointing her parents (and losing their love and respect) or spending her adult life doing work she really wasn't interested in. The internal conflict she endured made death seem preferable.
It's also important to have an adult view of your parents. When you're a child, your parents may seem to know everything and to be able to do anything, so when they fall short of your expectations, you feel disappointment that's easy to interpret as being unloved.
Remember, too, that parents and children often have different personalities. A father who grew up loving sports will have a hard time understanding a son who's not interested in playing ball. Such mismatches can have parents thinking there's something lacking in their child and the child feeling that he or she is a disappointment.
The death of a sibling or a friend or even being present at the death of a stranger can leave the survivor with a sense of guilt. Why wasn't it me? Why am I still here? As illogical as it seems, the survivor can feel he or she has no right to enjoy being alive. This is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is not limited to combat veterans. A teenager who survives a fatal car accident can be burdened with the feeling that he or she did something wrong or should have done something to prevent the tragedy. A parent who loses a child is another candidate for PTSD. Therapy is often necessary to overcome the guilt and accompanying depression.
Feelings of failure
Feeling like a failure can lead to depression, and if you feel this way, there are two important questions you need to consider: 1)Is it possible that someone--a parent or a teacher, perhaps--shamed you, and you concluded that you deserved the label of being a failure? 2) Have you defined yourself as a failure?
In either case, you need to consider how realistic your definition of a failure is. Realize that Thomas Edison made 1,000 attempts to produce a working lightbulb. He later said, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The lightbulb was an invention that took 1,000 steps."
J.K. Rowling's idea for her Harry Potter books was rejected 12 times. Lincoln lost 8 elections before he became President.
Are you quitting after a couple of setbacks and defining yourself as a failure? When you look back, do you focus on those setbacks instead of remembering the things you did that worked? In an earlier blog I talked about horribilizing, expecting things to go wrong. Horribilizing leads to procrastination, and procrastination doesn't lead to success.
The bottom line is: A setback is not a failure, but persistence is a necessity for success.
Stephanie Kay Bendel is the author of EXIT THE LABYRINTH: A Memoir of Early Childhood Depression – Its Onset and Aftermath, MAKING CRIME PAY: A Practical Guide to Mystery Writing, and A SCREAM AWAY, a romantic thriller published under the house name, Andrea Harris. She has also written numerous short stories and articles on writing.