Last time we talked about how anger is relate to depression, and that there are two ways the depressed people deal with anger. One way is to become a walking timebomb, using anger to gain a sense of control. In this case, anger is often directed at people who are handy, rather than those who are the source of the problem.
The other method depressed people use to cope is to suppress the anger, leading to all sorts of symptoms that resist explanation, as mentioned in the previous blog. People who suppress anger may not even realize they are angry. If you asked them what they're feeling, they'd say things like "sad," disappointed," "misunderstood," "alone," "unappreciated," or "like a failure." They are telling the truth. What they don't understand is that those feelings are psychologically painful, and pain automatically arouses anger, which is a physiological response. That response may include raised blood pressure, muscle tension, and increased respiration, but the angry person is so used to these feelings that they don't recognize them as byproducts of anger.
Neither of these strategies solve the problem, so the anger continues.
Once you realize you have a lot of anger, what can you do?
1. Think before you speak (or shout!). Words spoken in anger cause a lot of damage, and they are not easily forgotten.
I once heard a mother call her teenage daughter a terrible name. I asked her how she could say such a thing to her daughter, and she shrugged. "Oh, she knows I don't mean it." What that mother didn't appreciate is that words spoken in anger are more deeply impressed on the other person's brain, along with the emotions those words aroused. It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," but these words cannot erase the impressions already formed in the brain. Too many people feel that, "I'm sorry," are the magic words that erase the effects of damage. They don't! It takes time and work by both parties to repair the effect of angry words.
2. Take time to figure out exactly what it is that you are angry about. Realize that often we misdirect our anger to a "safe" person when we feel we can't show anger toward the person who is causing our distress. It's safer to yell at your spouse or your children than at your boss.
3. Calmly state what is bothering you. Avoid terms like "always" and "never."
4. Allow the other person to explain his or her point of view and be sure to listen. Too often when we're angry, we don't really hear the other person. Consider what is true about the other person's statement. Can you understand how that person feels? Anger prevents you from empathizing. That's why it's easier to hurt people when you're angry, and to minimize in your own mind the hurt you've caused. Are you able to reframe the situation?
5. Don't hold grudges. If you tend to hold grudges, you of all people should understand how much pain is caused by angry words and thoughtless deeds. If you can't let go, how can you expect others to let you off the hook?
6. Learn to discuss problems without eye rolls, insults and name calling. They are counterproductive.
7. Learn to recognize defensiveness in yourself and in others.
Other things you can do:
Exercise. It relieves the physical and mental tension that anger arouses.
Think about possible solutions to problems beforehand.
Practice relaxation skills.
Realize that if you are a chronically angry person, whether you recognize your anger or not, it will take time and practice to change, but learning to manage your anger in a healthy way will change your life!
Stephanie Kay Bendel is the author of EXIT THE LABYRINTH: A Memoir of Early Childhood Depression – Its Onset and Aftermath, MAKING CRIME PAY: A Practical Guide to Mystery Writing, and A SCREAM AWAY, a romantic thriller published under the house name, Andrea Harris. She has also written numerous short stories and articles on writing.