Have you ever noticed that some people attach importance to things that others would overlook?
When I was in college, a young lady from my dorm went out with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday. When she returned later that evening, she was in tears. Several of us asked her what had happened. She replied that her boyfriend had taken her to a nice restaurant for dinner, given her a lovely sweater as a gift, and taken her dancing afterward. So why was she crying? He hadn't given her a card! For some reason, she believed that her birthday wasn't truly acknowledged unless she got a birthday card. I don't know how this belief began, but all of us have some beliefs that disrupt lives and damage healthy relationships.
My sister-in-law told me that when she cleaned out her parents' home, she found a book on child care that her parents had obviously taken to heart. It was John Watson's Psychological Care of the Infant and Child, which was a best-seller at the time her parents were married. Watson advised parents, "Never hug or kiss them or let them sit on your lap. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinary (sic) good
job of a difficult task."
That revelation was an eye-opener for my sister-in-law. It explained why her parents were unaffectionate and seemingly cold. She had always felt they didn't love her. In truth, her parents were just as victimized as she was. John Watson was an internationally known psychologist. His book was a best-seller. How many thousands of parents bought it in hopes of raising their children perfectly? How many children grew up feeling unloved and consequently became depressed?
Babies don't come with instruction books. Many parents raise their children the way they were raised, because that is all they know. Some parents who didn't like the way they were raised go to the opposite extreme, and often the opposite extreme isn't good, either.
Children of the Depression often grew up without toys to play with, and they had to start working at a young age to help support the family. Some of them grew up believing that it wasn't necessary for children to play. Others mourned the fact that they "didn't have fun" as children and decided that their children would experience a "wonderful childhood with every material pleasure, and without chores or responsibilities. In both cases the children suffer deprivation. The first group are driven to achieve and never feel good enough; the second group have little ambition, and their parents wonder why their thirty-something offspring are still living at home.
And it wasn't just one or two generations that were influenced by tragic beliefs. In 1994, Michael Pearl, a Tennessee
preacher, co-authored a book with his wife titled To Train Up a Child. Parents following Pearl's advise are instructed to think of their children as "stubborn mules" and to beat the "selfish compulsions" out of them with wooden spoons or "flexible tubing."
The bottom line is: if you see yourself in any of this, realize that your parents weren't necessarily "bad." They might have been acting unaware of the consequences, actually believing they were doing the right thing.
Your personal pain will be lessened if you understand this and work on forgiving them.
Stephanie Kay Bendel is the author of EXIT THE LABYRINTH: A Memoir of Early Childhood Depression – Its Onset and Aftermath, MAKING CRIME PAY: A Practical Guide to Mystery Writing, and A SCREAM AWAY, a romantic thriller published under the house name, Andrea Harris. She has also written numerous short stories and articles on writing.